What it’s like to break down in a Woolworths parking lot in a R115,000 home-made car

Breaking down in a Woolworths parking lot is not too bad, as you can grab a coffee while you wait for the flatbed.

Breaking down in a Woolworths parking lot in a Lotus 7 replica after revving its engine and bathing in the glory of its extremely loud exhaust, however, is slightly more humbling.

Calling for help from an external party in this situation – such as your insurer or the AA – is also not allowed.

Pride alone dictates that you first try to solve the problem yourself.

The result is an hour of your life filled with frustration, then laughter, some more frustration, then joy.

Saturday drive

It starts on a Saturday morning. You take the cover off the Lotus 7 replica – also known as a Locost 7 – and push it out the garage.

The reason you push it out first is that if you start it inside, it almost certainly sets off the alarm of your wife’s Toyota Corolla Hatchback.

The Locost only weighs 560kg, so this is easy.

You then start her up. It’s loud and guttural, and you naturally need to apply a few revs to make sure the accelerator is working.

There’s no ABS, no traction control, no ESC, no parking assist, no rear cross-traffic alert, no automatic transmission.

No airbags, no aircon, no radio, no windscreen wipers, no doors, no roof.

It is the perfect car.

You feel every bump, hear every noise, and drive it as hard and fast as your courage allows.

The Toyota 4A-GE delivers great power and reliability.

The parking lot

After driving around the least-busy roads you can find for 30 minutes, it’s time to pick up some breakfast from Woolworths.

When you pull into the parking lot, you balance being an obnoxious fool with the need to arrive in style.

A few small revs are acceptable, but don’t disturb the people eating at the Doppio Zero next door. Don’t worry – they will still see and hear you.

The Locost fits into any parking bay, thanks to its small size, and you feel the heat radiating off the engine through the fiberglass bonnet as you get out.

10 minutes later you are back. You put your shopping in the passenger seat (there is no boot) and turn the ignition.

The starter makes a clicking sound, but the engine does not come to life.

Do not panic. This has happened multiple times before.

Fixing the starter issue has been on your to-do list for many months, but you think it is an electrical problem and you are far from being an auto-electrician.

It may be heat-soak, as the starter motor sits directly under the exhaust manifold of the Toyota 4A-GE engine.

You let the Locost sit for 5 minutes and try again. Only the starter clicking.

You let the Locost sit for 15 minutes and try again. This time there is not even clicking – things are getting worse.

The starter motor hiding in the depths.

Bring the toolbox

If you are a proper car guy, you know what all the potential issues could be – and you attempt to diagnose them one by one.

If you are an “entry-level” car guy like me, you pull out your phone and ask Google Gemini for help.

It’s probably not heat-soak, as the engine has cooled down. “Have you tried tapping on the starter motor with a screwdriver handle?” asks Gemini.

At this point you accept the inevitable. You call your wife and ask her to please bring your toolbox to Woolworths.

She arrives 20 minutes later with a look of good-natured exasperation on her face. Memories of her bringing you a jerry can when you ran out of petrol last year are fresh in her mind.

You take the bonnet off the Locost and put it down at the front of the parking bay. The toolbox is next to it, and you try not to get your hand stuck as you tap the starter.

This, of course, does nothing, and you pretend to look like you know what you are doing while covertly asking Gemini what’s next?

“Have you tried bypassing the vehicle’s ignition switch, using a screwdriver to send battery power directly to the starter motor solenoid by bridging the terminals?”

This sounds somewhat dangerous, but you need to get the 7 home.

With a spark and pop, the starter motor spins aggressively – but the engine does not crank.

The car guard has been watching you this whole time. People are walking past, giving down-the-nose glances as they carry their shopping.

Back to Gemini on your phone.

“Try putting the car in 4th gear and rolling it backwards and forward. This will help if you have a bad spot on the flywheel or a sticky starter pinion gear.”

You feel quite silly doing it, but you follow the instructions.

The Locost is rocked back and forth, in 4th. You put it back into neutral and turn the key.

It starts immediately.

You feel invincible. You can fix any problem on any car at any time.

The next 5 minutes are spent explaining in great detail to your wife what just happened, while you pack up the toolbox.

She listens out of sympathy, while reminding herself that you have other redeeming qualities, but eventually tells you to stop talking.

It’s now time to take the Lotus 7 replica home and put the cover back on. That’s enough excitement for one weekend.

It’s not the Dicktator Ignition Module – you can put that back in now.